Victimization, abuse, bullying whatever you want to call it, it’s the same thing. I experienced bullying at Primary School, Secondary School, College, At Home, At Work and In a relationship. It’s something that no-one should have to go through but at some point in your life you will experience it.

At Primary School it was name calling. I was already scared because I was being taken away from the world I knew and being put in a place with a whole load of strangers and being told off for things that had previously been ok. Because my name was Jemima (I have since changed it by deed poll) I was constantly being called Jemima Puddle Duck. I had kids stealing from me and ruining my possessions, I even had my plimsolls slashed. The kids would ignore me and say I ate like a horse. I ate what was put in front of me because I was too scared of getting in trouble if I didn’t. I would be hit with people’s book bags and excluded from groups and playtime games. I remember on one occasion I was sat in front of the whole class and everyone was asked to put up their hand if they liked me, I mean how bad is that. I ran away from school so many times and yet nothing was done to find out the problem.

Secondary School was no better. People knew I was shy and vulnerable and they took advantage of that. Again I was called names like rat when I started wearing make-up and pigeon because I was pigeon toed. I was once spat on in the middle of class and the teacher did nothing. It went all in my eye and down my face. I wasn’t liked because I wasn’t cool enough as I didn’t smoke, drink or do sexual things with other boys, or didn’t have cool enough clothes. I had teachers speak to me like shit and again nothing was done about it. I went through secondary school in fear, I was so depressed. I didn’t know it at the time but I had an eating disorder. I would restrict what I ate and work out all the time or go running.

College wasn’t as bad but still not good. I had people trying to copy my work. They would deliberately ignore me. Being ignored is so hard and embarrassing because everyone can see it happening, plus it’s so childish. I ended up on medication and my eating had not gotten any better. I was so relieved to leave but found work even worse still.

My first couple of jobs were ok because they were temp jobs and I only worked part-time. It was the full-time jobs when things really became a problem. My first full-time job was working in a supermarket. There was a lot of bitching and back stabbing. People would deliberately try to get me into trouble, I had managers talk to me like I was shit on their shoe, and other colleagues would group up and make fun of me. I had people talking down to me at all levels, being made to do things I wasn’t trained to do, being forced to work hours I hadn’t agreed to. On one occasion I asked a question to one of the supervisors while I was on a checkout, she replied, right in my face, saying “don’t tell me how to do my job”. Nice! I would be trained to do one thing and then told to do another; all of this was witnessed by the customer which made me look stupid. I queried someone’s signature and called the supervisor, they came over and said it was ok; I then checked the card and noticed it was her husband’s card. So bad.  If we all went out for a social occasion I would be left and no-one would even let me know they had gone. People would just go off in their groups and I would be by myself. It was constant. I ended up with bulimia and permanently on anti-depressants because of it.

I left this job for an admin job in a law firm. To start with it was soooooooo much better, but it didn’t last. I would be told off for not doing jobs assigned to other people, or if I didn’t know where someone was, or for setting up a room incorrectly when I had never been taught how to do it correctly. I was offered a promotion which I took, not because I wanted to but because I wanted to get away from the department I was in. I considered leaving after the first week. One of the lawyers screamed at me because I didn’t know how the photo copier worked and another was rude to me. On the new department I had an older member of staff constantly bitching at me. She would say things like “blow your nose” when I had literally just walked through the door and not had a chance to do it, she would move my things all the time; exclude me from the tea run. I questioned her at one point and was then forced to apologise. I was shouted at by the personnel manager. My supervisor would always talk down to me and say things like “what do you want me to do about it” or “I’m getting sick of this”. He was so rude and arrogant. I was there for 4 years. I was eventually made redundant, not because the job was redundant but because they didn’t like me. They didn’t like me because I refused to ass lick like my supervisor. They would print off my Facebook statuses and put them on the managing partner’s desk; they would then all hang out in groups and talk about me, laughing and pointing. I was even called into the office for my Facebook. I told them it’s got nothing to do with anyone what I write. I had the managing partner have a go at me in front of the whole (open-plan) office a week before my redundancy. The girls would talk behind my back, invite me to things then ignore me. I heard one of them say “what’s she doing here” like I wasn’t good enough to be part of their club or something. They would be nice to my face then slag me off to each other, I know this because I heard it. When I would go out to lunch with friends and they were going to the same place they would say “let’s go somewhere else”. I informed them of the bullying but nothing was done about it as the personnel manager didn’t like me. I was very depressed at this point. I started self harming 3 times a day just to get through a day at work.

When I was kicked out of the law firm I was unemployed for 2 months. I managed to find work in a small accountants firm as the receptionist. I didn’t particularly want to be a receptionist as it’s quite boring and I had had a lot of responsibility in my previous job. The first month was ok as the previous receptionist was still there training me. The 2 months after that were hell. I was already scared of fucking up as I was new and I was on show for everyone to see. The girl I was working with, who would cover my lunches, was the person who did the bullying. She would deliberately get me into trouble if I did anything wrong. Rather than tell me she would go straight to the boss. She would take over from me when I was more than capable of doing the job. She would be deliberately unhelpful and talk down to me. This was a 17-year-old girl. The bosses would all take her side and say that no-one else had ever had a problem with her. She was a stroppy little bitch. I was made out to be the baddy. I ended up having a nervous breakdown and subsequently being sacked. I haven’t worked since.

Now I stay in my flat in my room with my cat. I don’t go out and don’t have friends. I suffer badly with panic attacks and sever depression. I self harm and have had to have stitches. I’ve taken many overdoses and been admitted to hospital. The doctors didn’t want to help me and neither did the psychiatrists. They wouldn’t listen to what I was saying or my concerns, one of them even said “are you even listening to me”. The nursing would slag me off when I was in for an overdose, I could hear them say, “She’s back again, taking up the bed space”.

My family didn’t want to know and never have. I called my mum and she refused to come to hospital to see me. I never had a very good upbringing. We never had much and my mum didn’t want to spend time with us. I would get told off for things that weren’t my fault, be punished for things when my other siblings, who did the same thing, wouldn’t be. I got beaten up by my mother when I started my period and didn’t tell her, I was shampooing my hair at the time. She would scream in my face if she couldn’t find something or if we did something she didn’t like. She always singled me out. The other’s had it easy, I didn’t. I was punched because I asked for the heating to be put on in the other side of the house, she said no so I questioned it and got a fist in my eye socket. My siblings were no better; they would call me names, beat me up and take my things. As we got older it didn’t change. I would always be the baddy even if something wasn’t my fault. I have no contact with any of them now, especially my sisters. My brother threatened to kill me once and tried to beat the shit out of me because I couldn’t afford to pay to go to his wedding abroad. I have half sisters but one I’ve never met. The other isn’t interested.

I’ve had various types of counselling and therapy in my adult life and so far none have worked. I don’t find talking about things helps and sometimes don’t understand some of the suggestions they make. I’ve just started Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or CBT as it’s known. It’s meant to change your way of thinking so am hoping this will help. I’ll probably be on medication my whole life. 29 years of bullying, abuse and victimization takes a long time to get over.

Right now the only people I see are my flatmate (when she’s here) but not socially. We talk but only about flat stuff. The other person is my boyfriend. He’s my best friend and the only person I trust. We used to work together so it was easy to get together. He’s helped me so much and is the only constant in my life. It’s not always been like that though. One of my ex boyfriends was so horrible to me but for some reason I stayed and put up with it. He never actually hit me but the verbal and mental abuse I received was just as bad. Of course when we got together he was lovely but things changed pretty quickly.

I remember an occasion when we were in the car, he was driving, he didn’t agree with me on something and then started on a rant about how horrible I was and that he’d made the wrong choice with me. It went on for about 20 minutes. We got to his parents house and he ignored me the whole time I was there, I didn’t even know his parents. We were 3 hours drive away from home and there for 4 days. He would go out without me and leave me by myself. He had a lot of issues with money and tried to get me to pay is debt, I refused which caused problems. We would argue every night because I wouldn’t do the things he wanted me to. He threw dog poo at me once in front of a load of people. He would put me down and make me look stupid in front of his friends and relatives. We were out shopping and he had picked up a turkey on Christmas Eve. I asked what he wanted it for as his mum had already bought one. I don’t remember what he said only how he said it, we were at the checkout and he came right up to my face and had a vicious voice. I walked away crying. I would never cry in front of him. He would use sex against me too. He would control when and how, I had no say in the matter. The last time we had sex I wanted to do a different position, he didn’t so I said I didn’t want to have sex with him, he stormed off. That same occasion he refused to use a condom, (I would ask him to wear a condom as I wasn’t on the pill at the time). He said “I always wear one for you; you could at least not make me wear one for me”. Charming. He would read through my diaries and then tell his mates. I worked with him you see so it made it even worse. He refused to hold my hand in public or let anyone apart from his mum know we were even together. I wasn’t allowed out with my friends and he would use the guilt trip thing on me saying how I was out having fun while he was stuck inside.

The final moment came when I said that I couldn’t afford to pay out for the food that he was buying; he was spending a couple hundred pounds a week on food. I made a cottage pie for us both. He came back from walking the dog and threw £5 at me. He said that’s for my share I don’t want any. I said in a chirpy voice “I’ve made it now”. He then came up in my face and said in a vicious voice “I DONT WANT ANY”.  He walked away and under my breath I said “pathetic”. He came back and in my face again started screaming at the top of his voice, I can’t remember what he said. I ran upstairs to get my things and call a friend to come and collect me. By this time I was uncontrollably sobbing. He was screaming downstairs “I WANT YOU OUT OF MY LIFE” “I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU” and things like that. I ran downstairs and went to unlock the front door and he ran after me. He pinned me up against the wall. The next thing I know the door is being banged on and his dad was standing there. I quickly made my escape. I was then not allowed back in, like it was my fault and was forced to move out. I had to be nice to him for another couple of months so that I could get all my stuff back and all the money he owed me. It was a very bad experience. I ended up with severe eczema over my whole body for 3 months, panic attacks, depression, eating disorder, personality disorders, thyroid deficiency caused by severe stress and self harmed every day. I didn’t think I would survive it but I did and only with the help of my current boyfriend.

I still have nightmares about the things that have happened to me and am still hurt and upset. Even though it’s been years since I’ve seen half these people the effects of their words and actions have scarred me for life. I don’t know if I will ever get over it. I will always have trust issues and self esteem issues because of it all. And the sad thing is I know that it won’t be the last of it either. More people will come along and be horrible to me in some way; there is just no getting away from it. It happens everyday without people realising; Road rage, particularly from bus and taxi drivers, shop assistants, benefits officers, library staff, neighbours.

I’m never going to stop being me. I’m still finding out who I am as I’ve been so lost for so many years. It’s going to take a very long time and I may never get there. Bullying affects people more than you know. Some people don’t ever get over it!

I started a CBT course a few weeks ago. I’ve only had the assessment so far but already it’s helping.

Basically what I had to do was discuss the issues I have now and then do a timeline from the beginning of all the bad stuff that has happened.

I’ve had a lot of therapy from seeing Occupational Therapists to Psychotherapists and Psychiatrists and even Nutritionist counsellors. They have all been based on talking. I don’t find talking very helpful as it doesn’t make me understand it any better. This type of therapy is different. More focused. You work on things together and then assess why you think the way you do from past experiences and how to change them for the better. This is the type of therapy that I need.

I have realised one thing so far and have taken the action to help make things easier for myself. With constant guidance and help I will be a lot better and more able to deal with the things I’m struggling with now.

I may not jump when you want me to,

Or read the books I’m told,

I may not wear the clothes you like,

Or even paint my toes.

I do what makes me happy,

And that’s all that I’ll do,

So stop your nasty bitching

I’ll be me and not you!

I’m always thinking about how I can maximise my time better to get more out of it. I stopped watching TV so that I could do this.

I’m so scared of running out of time and never being able to do all the things I want to do. Of dying too young, of getting paralysed or disabled in some way, being killed in a car accident, getting cancer. Something I can’t control.

I hate time wasters. It means I could have spent that time with someone who was worth it. I could have done something more productive with that time. That person has taken from me something that can never be returned.

I have a bucket list of all the things I want to do. I plan to tick them all off one day and enjoy every single one of them. I will of course add to this list throughout my life, however long or short. I hope it’s a long one.

I’ve already wasted too much time on things that weren’t worth it or on people who didn’t deserve it. My worst fear has come true. I’m 29 years old and i’m running out of time. Time to sort my life out, time to find love, time to be happy, time to make a difference in the world.

Time is ticking on. What are you waiting for? You don’t know how long you have left.

Further to my blog yesterday: Food Glorious Food. I tried the dress on today and it fits. Perhaps I don’t need to lose any weight lol! It’s not going to stop me from eating healthily and exercising. I’m doing really well so far so figured why stop. If the dress gets too big then I will have to borrow one from my sister so I’ll still be sticking to my plan to buy no new clothes for a year. I’m so pleased. All I have to do now is figure out what colour shoes and bag will go with it.

Some people aren’t afraid to go for what they want, like all those famous people in magazines and on TV. I know the idea is for us to want to be like them. I know I don’t want to be a singer, a dancer or an actor but I do know that I don’t want to be afraid to go for something that I would like to do. I just don’t know how to get there. To not be afraid anymore. To be secure in myself and confident enough to really go for it and go all the way, to really be somebody. Someone that my mum would be proud of and my sister’s jealous of.

Moving, I believe, is going to be my first step, college and/or Uni is the next. I know how to do the practical stuff it’s the emotional stuff I’m lost with. It doesn’t matter how many books I read or therapists I see I’m still stuck. I’m just hoping I meet someone or learn something that helps put things straight in my head.

I spoke to them on the phone to make sure everything was ok and they said yes. When I went to collect it they made me wait another 30 minutes. I had to py £155.77 and that was with a free MOT. They said that the brake light wasn’t working so they replaced the bulb. I know there was nothing wrong with the light so that pissed me off. Cost me an extra £3.99. They said there was an oil leak and that one of my tires had a small tear and was close to the legal limit on the tread, but it still passed.

They replaced all the usual bits like the oil and the air filter. They also tightened the handbrake but it’s far too tight for me so going to have to get it fixed. Another thing they did for free was to dent by boot door.

They deny any knowledge of it. Nothing I can do about it now, it’s my word against theirs. I won’t be going back to tha garage. Fuckers!

Can I have some more please? please? pretty please? Am finding it really hard to eat only when I’m hungry like I’m meant to. I’m not used to it. I’m used to eating whenever and whatever I want. That’s how I got fat. I need to change that. It’s one of my New Year’s Resolutions. The thing is I now have a wedding reception to go to and have a particular dress I want to wear. My plan to not buy any new clothes for a year is still in force so this dress is the only one I have. It’s kind of fits but I could do with losing a few pounds. I don’t want to have to squeeze into it and be bulging out, totally unattractive.

The wedding is on Easter sunday (8th April) so i have just over 7 weeks. I’ve been eating a lot better than I normally do. Fruit and natural yoghurt for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch on seeded bread, orange juice with lunch and dinner, a granola bar or banana as a snack and some meat, veg and potatoes for dinner. I’ve not been having my usual tubs of ice-cream or biscuits or crisps. I’ve been exercising as well. Swimming once a week, gym 3 times a week, a long walk every week. Hopefully by the time of the wedding I will be comfortably in the dress.

I guess this is the same as saving, you have to stay focused on the goal. Having a date is always good as it keeps you focused.

To my surprise it was a cheque for £536.77 – FYMF! Apparently I had paid too much tax. I jumped up and down in the kitchen when I got it. I went straight to the bank and put it into my savings, then coloured in my wall thermometer. How exciting.

I’ve been doing the healthy eating thing, or should I say the eating healthier thing and today has been a good day. For breakfast I had grapes and mango with natural yoghurt and a glass of juice. For a snack I had a granola bar. For lunch was a prawn stir fry. For a snack I had a banana and for tea I had a ham salad. I did have a treat of 2 biscuits with a cup of tea but then it is Valentines Day and it’s not like I ate a whole packet. Am pleased with myself.

I made some cupcakes for my mum and step-dad for Valentine’s Day and they loved them, that made me feel good. They will taste just as good as they look I know. It’s a tried and tested recipe.

I had my first Cognitive behavioural Therapy session today. It was just an assessment so I won’t know if it’s suitable treatment but she did say that I am very psychologically astute which she said is a good thing. Must be all those self-help books.

Another good thing about today is that it’s been 10 years since I changed my name. I love my new name, much better than the old one. I feel more of an individual and not tied down to anyone.

I also got to drive my car today which I love doing and spend time with Tilly Beans on my lap. (Not at the same time) and I don’t have to go to the gym tonite.